My Secret Diary

 

16th March

 

This morning, I watched Brutus, from the safety of the rosebushes. I noticed something that I hadn’t noticed before - attached to his collar there’s a rope which is tied to a pole. Although Brutus has freedom to roam across most of his garden there might be parts that he can’t reach. I estimated the length of his rope and, using the simple mathematics formula:

 

Danger Zone =   ( Rope Length + Neck Length + Teeth Size )       x          Velocity 

                                                            ==============

                                                              Desperation Index

 

I deduced that he could not go further than the flower bed at the top of the garden. A plan for revenge began to churn in my mind. I crept silently through the bushes to the back of my garden, squeezed under the fence into Brutus’ garden, then took up position at the far end of the flower bed.

“Brutus,” I shouted, trying not to let my nerves show. “You have less brain than a lobotomized snail.”

Brutus looked up. He seemed confused. I’m not sure whether this was due to surprise at seeing me in his garden or whether his small brain was trying to work out what a lobotomized snail is.

“And you have a very small tail!” (This is the very best way to insult a dog.)

Brutus assumed an attacking stance and barked as fiercely as a corgi can.

“And your mother was a mongrel.”

This insult hit a sore point and Brutus charged up the garden at full corgi speed towards me. He was grinding his teeth in anger and foam dripped from his mouth. Behind him the rope took up its slack.

“Come and get me you good-for-nothing crossbreed,” I taunted.

 As his bloodthirsty mouth stretched out to slaughter me, the rope reached its limit. The collar suddenly tightened around his neck and took the full force of his furious charge. He crashed to the ground and lay in the flower bed amidst tulips and daffodils gasping for air. What a nerd!

“Good doggy, roll over and play dead,” I sneered, “like the groveling little human slave you are.”

Revenge is sweet.

Roaring with laughter, I skipped off to tell Lucky what I’d done.


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