My Secret Diary


1st February

7:00 AM:          Stayed awake all night but not through choice. Scored off resolution number four, “I will not be afraid of killer – the evil cat who rules the Lane”   – scored it out three times just to make the point. A thousand horrible questions tortured my mind. What will Killer do to me? How painful will it be? Can a cat lose all nine lives in one agonizing go? If Killer had been called Kittykins would he have grown up to be less aggressive?


7:30 AM:         I am in hiding. If Killer finds me this will be the very last entry in my diary. If so I hope someone kind finds it and buries it with me.


6:00 PM:         I am still alive! Yippeeeeeee!!! This is the most amazing day of my life – I was not savagely hacked to pieces by that paranoid, schizophrenic, egotistical, mega-cruel maniac.


Here’s how I miraculously escaped certain death.

Early this morning I stole silently out of the house and crept to my ultra secret hiding place, the garden shed. I buried myself in my worry blanket and tried to blank out my mind. This may appear cowardly but appearing cowardly seemed a much better option than appearing dead. To my dismay, just before midday Lucky and Snowball turned up at my ultra secret hideaway to escort me to my death – it’s good having friends in times of crises. Despite my protests, snarls, scratches and bites they eventually managed to shepherd me to the Lane to meet my fate. Killer had not yet arrived, so trembling I waited and waited and waited. Midday came and went but there was no sign of my evil executioner. Just as I was about to announce that I was late for another appointment and would have to go, Snowball exclaimed that Killer was too cowardly to fight and declared me champion. She said I was her hero and gave me a big smoochy kiss. As we began celebrating my historic victory, my friend, Mungo, arrived to tell us the news – Killer had been hit by a car. He was seriously injured and was in intensive care.


I was in such a good mood when I came home that I didn’t even give Skirt the evil-eye for calling me KittyCuddles. The first thing I did, after eating several tins of Faux-Mouse-with-Anchovies-in-Salt-Saturated-Brine, was to rewrite resolution four in big letters, “ I AM NOT AFRAID OF KILLER – THE EVIL CAT WHO ONCE RULED THE LANE”  – I hope being hit by a car is fatal!

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