My Secret Diary


1st May

(Season of Coitus Cravings.)


5:05 AM:          Woke up early, with a strange feeling. It’s like electricity flowing up through my legs, whizzing around my body, duffing up all my internal organs then shooting out of my whiskers. I can’t stop thinking about Snowball and have a great urge to go and see her. In fact, forget breakfast - I’m going right now.


8:40 AM:          The streets are full of male cats all acting weird! Some are meowing. Some hissing. Some screeching. But all are walking like zombies, muttering, “girls . . . must find girls.”  All except Damien, the pretty-boy Ragdoll who wears pink ribbons - he’s just looking more bewildered than usual.

Snowball was locked in her house. Her humans insist it’s not safe for her to go out for a few days. I tried to smash down the door and nearly cracked my skull.

Jumped in the canal to cool off - but I didn’t.


2:00 PM:          I eventually found Lucky - wandering the streets aimfully. He said that he wanted to meet a nice girl, get married and settle down - and do so immediately! We went to the park and spotted two girls standing beside the pond.

I told Lucky a great chat-up line, ‘How about coming back to my place to see my wallpaper scratchings.’ He tried it out on the cute black Bombay cat, (we found out later that she’s called Suffragette), but she laughed and said, “Get lost moron or I’ll rip your eyes out.”

Her friend took a liking for me and began fluttering her eyelashes seductively. She said, “Why don’t you come back to my place and try out my purple plastic litter tray.” I have never felt so confused, the feelings in my body made me want to kiss this exquisitely ugly feline but my heart wanted me to stay faithful to my much more glamorous true love Snowball.

Eventually my heart won and I came home, leaving Lucky desperately chatting to the girls.


8:00 PM:          Have taken six cold baths but still feel very hot and bothered.


11:59 PM:        I have not gone to London. I have not become a famous political activist. I am however, very frustrated.



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Philosophy for Cats

Philosophy for Cats is a collection of wit and wisdom from the greatest cat philosophers that ever skulked our planet. From renowned thinkers of the past such as Catfuscious and Cuddles Darwin to modern philosophers such as Miss Fluffy and Snowball, this little book is crammed to the tip of its whiskers with gems of knowledge. Whether you are a cat, a human or indeed a member of any other species, you will benefit greatly from reading the thoughts of Catkind’s most eminent intellectuals. So read on and prepare to be amazed and amused at this fascinating insight into the lives of cats.

The pessimistic cat sees the bowl of cream as being half empty. The optimistic cat sees the bowl of cream as being half full. The wise cat sees the bowl and eats the cream.
- M. T. D’Lemma, 1908

I overheard my human say, “You are what you eat”. This is very worrying, for today I’ve eaten three mice and four frogs.
- Anx Hiety, 2011

I meow therefore I am.
I sleep therefore I am happy.
I purr therefore I am adored.
- René Descats, 1666

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My human, Stuart, asked me to tell you all that he writes books (they are very good but don't tell him I said so) One of his books is a fantasy novel for boys and girls - it is called Medusa Island. Have a look!!!


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Medusa Island

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© 2006, The Secret Diary of Adrian Cat