My Secret Diary


6th March

(Anniversary of the Battle of Stirling Bridge - when the Scottish-Fold cat army thrashed the invading English Poodles.)


7:20 AM:          Created my plan to be the first cat to climb Everest.


Today : Climb the poplar tree in the garden.

Tomorrow : Climb the biggest oak tree in the park.

Next day : Climb the huge hill beyond the woods.

Next, next day : Climb Everest - though if the journey takes more than a few hours I may need to postpone this to the next, next, next day.


11:20 PM:       I began my ascent of the poplar at 7:30 AM precisely. I am obviously gifted with a natural talent for mountaineering for I reached the top in just four minutes. It appears that Everest would not be such a great challenge after all. The view from the top of the tree was exceptional - I could see right along the alley to the bins. There were two cats at the bins but from this height they looked just like mice. (Or they might have been mice that looked like cats looking like mice.) It was around 7:37 AM that the whole mountain climbing idea took a nose dive, for it became apparent that although I was an outstanding climber I was absolutely useless at unclimbing. In other words I was STUCK. For the first hour I acted like a cat who was enjoying the view from the top of a high tree. For the next hour I acted like a cat who was tolerating the view from the top of a very high tree. After that I acted like a cat who was terrified of the view from the top of an extremely high tree.

I meowed at the top of my voice, “Help!  Help! Help!”

Brutus stopped chasing his tail and laughed so hard that he peed all down his legs. Lucky appeared from under the hedge and Brat stopped crashing toy cars and began to giggle. Even Brat-2, who was in his pram looked up and blew bubbles in amusement. It seemed the whole world had turned up to enjoy my embarrassment.  But no one did anything to help. I meowed again and again and again. At last Skirt come out of the house - she would know what to do.

“Silly Pussy,” she said, “come down at once.”

Well that was as useful as telling a decapitated mouse to avoid dining at mouse traps! My fear and my embarrassment fought with each other to decide what to do next. My fear won and I continued meowing at the top of my voice. Trousers came out of the house and neighboring humans stared from windows.

“Addy up a tree,” said Brat helpfully.

Trousers brought a stepladder and placed it by the tree. He climbed up but couldn’t reach me. Just when it looked like I would be stuck forever a big red fire engine arrived and, as the whole universe looked on, I was unceremoniously rescued.


11:55 PM:       I am curled up in my worry blanket while my dignity goes off on a long trip to purgatory. I am reconsidering my plans for I don’t know if they have a fire engine large enough to get me down from Everest. I may content myself with being the first cat ever to climb the poplar tree in my garden.


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